After Barry Came Back
by Red Witch
Summary: What happened after the events of Motherless Child? Spoiler alert: Mallory is not happy.


**Barry took off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. So what did happen after the episode 'Motherless Child'? Well…**

 **After Barry Came Back **

"I can't believe this! Of all the times for her to go one of her benders," Ron grumbled as he tried to read the instruction manual for the coffee maker. "The least she could do is give me the instructions on how to run this thing before she left."

He read the instructions aloud. "Make sure brewer is at optimal temperature before setting the roasting level. Different coffee brewing methods may require coarser or thicker grinds for optimum flavor. Use the grind adjustment to make sure the flavor compounds of the water and beans are affective. Generally, the more time that the brewing method requires the coffee and water to be in contact with each other, the coarser the grind. Unless you are using press mode."

"Christ," Ron groaned. "These instructions could be in Chinese for all the good it does me! Oh here **are** instructions in Chinese! I'll bet it's clearer to them than it is in English."

That's when Ron heard a truck move it. He looked outside. "What the hell…? Oh God! I hope it's not those crazy cross dressing truckers again! How did they find me all the way out here?"

But it wasn't.

"I'm back and I need a drink…" A disheveled Mallory still wearing her pajamas entered the house.

"Where the hell have **you** been?" Ron shouted as Mallory trudged in.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Mallory grumbled. "Short version, it's all Sterling's fault."

"Why is there a truck in our driveway?" Ron asked as he looked out the window.

"Because I don't feel like ditching it until I've at least had a drink and a hot bath," Mallory grumbled. "And then **another** drink!"

"So while you're here I gotta ask," Ron said. "How do you get this coffee machine to work?"

"I've been missing for nearly forty-eight hours and all you have to say is to ask me about the god damn coffee machine?" Mallory shouted.

"You go missing all the time!" Ron snapped. "You were once gone for three weeks in South America and didn't even bother to call once! How am I supposed to know when you're off on one of your crazy trips?"

"Fine Ron!" Mallory rolled her eyes. "The next time a homicidal maniac kidnaps me I'll be sure to leave a note!"

"Fine! One question," Ron said. "How do I get this coffee machine to just drip? I already have ground coffee in the machine so obviously I don't want it to grind. So how the hell do I just get it to skip that step and go right to drip?"

"Now I get to ask a question," Mallory groaned. "Why the hell did I ask you to take me back again?"

Later that afternoon…

"She's still not answering her phone," Lana frowned as she looked at her phone. The other members of the Figgis Agency were sitting around the waiting room/bullpen. The computers and wires were still out from the previous night.

"I don't think Barry let Mother have her phone when he kidnapped her and buried her alive," Archer snorted as he took a drink of scotch.

"I'm calling her **home phone** genius!" Lana snapped. "I thought I'd at least get a hold of Ron. But no one is answering."

"That can't be good," Ray frowned.

"Relax," Archer finished his drink. "This is Mother we're talking about. I mean she got out of Barry's underground prison without any problems."

"Yes but we don't know what happened **after that**!" Lana gave him a look.

"Where do you think she is?" Ray asked.

"She could still be in the desert for all we know," Lana frowned. "The problem is there are literally thousands of miles of desert and we don't know where Barry put her. I'm worried. Something else could have happened to her."

"I'm more worried about what will happen to **us!** " Cyril threw up his hands. "We hacked into a government computer! That's a felony! If the police ever found out, we'll all go to jail! And something tells me if we give the excuse that we were forced to do it because an insane homicidal cyborg threatened our lives, they're not going to believe us!"

"Well we already broke the law with the breaking and entering, thefts, arson and getting a few people killed," Ray pointed out. "Kind of a moot point."

"So much for a new start," Lana groaned. "We're doing the same stupid illegal insane…"

 **"** **Stairs!"** Mallory's voice was heard. "Why are there so many God Damn **stairs** in this building?"

"Mother!" Archer gasped. He hobbled over to her as she entered the room. "Mother! You're all right! You're…"

WHAM!

With one swift punch she clocked her son right in the jaw, knocking him to the ground.

"EEEEE!" Cheryl squealed with glee at the sight.

"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory's voice was full of venom. "You are a F$$$^$^ **IDIOT!** " To underscore her point, she violently kicked his leg.

The very leg that had the bullet holes in it. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Archer shouted. "Why are you mad at **me** for?"

"WHY DO YOU **THINK?** " Mallory screamed. She kicked him in the leg again. "Do you have **any idea** what I've been through in the past twenty-four hours?"

"Yes!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "We saw you on the monitor!"

"Not helping Car-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Archer screamed as Mallory kicked him again. "Look I get you're upset at what happened!"

"Oh no! It's every woman's **dream** to wake up chained and blindfolded underground!" Mallory shouted.

"It is, isn't it?" Cheryl added.

"Inappropes Cheryl," Ray groaned.

"It's not my fault!" Archer protested. "It's Barry's!"

"Barry…" Mallory let out a breath. "The psychotic ex-ODIN/ex-head of the KGB cyborg dick you used to figuratively screw around with?"

"While Mr. Archer literally screwed around with his fiancés," Cheryl added. "And Lana!"

"Thank you for the recap Donna Pardo!" Archer glared at Cheryl. "Yeah **that** Barry…" He slowly got up. "The douchebag threw me out of a car and shot me in the leg…"

"Good!" Mallory shouted. "I'll give Barry this, at least he knows how to spread the pain around! Which is what I am planning on doing to the rest of **you!"** She glared at the other members of the agency.

"Oh boy…" Ray gulped while Cheryl squealed with glee.

"Mallory we were trying to rescue you…" Lana began.

"Well you did a lousy job of it! I had to rescue **myself**!" Mallory interrupted. "Surprise, surprise! If you want anything done right around here…"

"Hey we're not the ones that endangered you!" Krieger spoke up. "We were trying to help! Unlike Archer who was willing to leave you stranded underground and without air just so he could short out Barry's circuits!"

"The only thing I understood from that sentence is that Sterling nearly got me killed," Mallory hit her son again, knocking him down again. "I don't know why I'm surprised. I should be used to it by now…"

"Oh come on Mother you're obviously fine!" Archer grumbled as he got up. "Why are you being such a drama queen over…"

To this Mallory punched her son in the gut very hard. He squealed and fell to the ground in a heap. Everyone else froze in fear as she glared at them with her icy stare.

"Let me make one thing **perfectly clear,"** Mallory growled at all of them. "The only reason I didn't come here and put a bullet through all your empty heads is that doing so would be a waste of bullets. And make a mess on the carpet. Which would kill the resale value of this place."

She went on. "As much as I hate to admit it, I only keep you idiots around because I can't get any **other idiots** to work for me! Granted you're not that much help, but at this point I will take what I can get."

"Speaking of which," Mallory said. "There is a truck full of toilet paper, paper towels and other office supplies right out front. I need all of you to unload it before dumping the truck somewhere remote from here. Preferably in a junkyard where it will be turned into scrap metal! At the very least we can save money on basic office supplies for half a year!"

"Wait where did you get the truck?" Lana asked.

"Are you really going to ask **that** Lana?" Mallory shouted. "Seriously? I was nearly killed by your collective incompetence and you're going to split hairs about a stolen truck I carjacked from a horny uncouth trucker?"

"Wait **what**?" Cyril did a double take.

"And what the hell is all this **mess?** " Mallory pointed to all the computers. "And why is the god damn air conditioning off?"

"Well you see Barry…" Lana began.

"I don't **want** to know!" Mallory interrupted with a snarl. "Not now anyway! Listen! Ron is waiting for me in the car! I am going home and resting for the next three days! Here is what I want done during that time. One: You idiots unload the truck and get rid of it! And for God's sake make sure there aren't any fingerprints left on it!"

"You're talking about the truck right?" Cheryl asked.

"Two," Mallory went on. "Clean up this mess! Three, get the damn air conditioning working again! Four, I want my office bar fully restocked! And none of the cheap stuff! Five, I don't want **anyone** to call me for **any reason** until I come back to the office on Monday. Then you idiots can tell me what happened and after that I **never** want to speak of this incident again! IS THAT CLEAR?"

"Yup. Uh yeah. Okay. Yes…" The rest of the agency gulped in fear.

"Good…" Mallory growled. "One more thing…"

With that she bent down and hit her son again in the face. Then kicked him again in the bullet hole leg. "Idiot…" She grumbled as she turned around and left the building.

Everyone stood there and watched Archer lie there on the floor in pain. "Uh…" Ray coughed. "So should we just…?"

"Yes," Cyril gulped. "I think we should."

"What about…?" Krieger pointed to Archer in pain on the floor.

"Just leave him," Pam told him as they started to do what Mallory said.

"Great so now we can add carjacking and stealing office supplies to the list of criminal activities we've done since becoming a private investigative firm," Cyril groaned as they went to unload the truck.

"Technically I think it's truck-jacking," Pam told him. "But yeah that's pretty much it."

"We haven't been in business five months and already this agency has committed more crimes than solved them," Ray groaned.

"Owww…." Archer lay there on the floor.


End file.
